There has been a pretty awesome and significant change of tone in our house lately. I don't know what exactly was the catalyst, but suddenly we're both out of the doldrums and we're happy and upbeat and back to our old selves. It's SO NICE.
We're both so looking forward to the holidays and hoping that things go well at the hearing on the 5th so that Leet doesn't have to do Christmas with the kids in a supervised setting. That's my wish, that's all I want for Christmas. I want Leet to have unsupervised visitation like he so very deserves. I want his kids to start getting used to coming to his home, to seeing him for more than a couple hours, I want them to have a safe place away from the crazy demands their mom places on them, a fun place where they get to play like kids should be allowed to play, where the get to use their toys and not be restricted from them just because the winds of her neuroses moved that way that day. I want them to get to be KIDS with their DAD.
We inventoried Christmas presents last night. We've been stock-piling for months. I am beyond excited for the Christmas we're able to provide for the kids. I was nervous that we wouldn't be able to give them a good Christmas, but OH the Christmas they're going to have. They're getting digital cameras, giant floor coloring books, games, movies, sticker books, walkie talkies, fancy pj's, play-doh...they're just getting some fun stuff. I have these giant dreams of a Christmas with them, of sitting around a tree and going present by present and helping them take pictures with their new cameras. I don't know if it's a Christmas that will happen yet, but it's one I'm hoping for, one I'm praying for, one I'm holding onto.
I like this feeling of Christmas being for them...I had no idea of the happiness it would bring me to think of giving them these things that will make them happy. It's a different happiness than planning something good for my mom or dad. We're the ones making the memories of Christmas that they'll look back on one day. That's something that I can seriously live with, something that makes all the other crap not even really matter that much.
24 November 2008
12 November 2008
Crap.
I totally screwed up my sleep schedule.
I haven't been to school in a week. I got some weird not-quite-a-flu-but-almost last week and I stayed in bed for most of Tues and Wed, and then I had my standard Fri-Sat-Sun, weekend, and then Monday off as a bonus holiday from my professor, plus yesterday's holiday. That was one big gift of a holiday weekend, and I slept for as much as possible.
I am now paying the price. It's 7:15am, I've been up since 6:40. What time did I go to sleep last night? Somewhere around 4-4:15ish. I had myself a tiny little nap and am now going to attempt to wrap my brain around Hierarchical Linear Modeling in my multivariate statistics class (which, by the way, is an abomination at 8:30 in the morning).
I'm hoping that this weird phase of alert I'm experiencing will last until 10, at which point I'll board the bus and stumble my way home and back into bed. I'm also hoping that I'll be able to sleep once I get there.
I haven't been to school in a week. I got some weird not-quite-a-flu-but-almost last week and I stayed in bed for most of Tues and Wed, and then I had my standard Fri-Sat-Sun, weekend, and then Monday off as a bonus holiday from my professor, plus yesterday's holiday. That was one big gift of a holiday weekend, and I slept for as much as possible.
I am now paying the price. It's 7:15am, I've been up since 6:40. What time did I go to sleep last night? Somewhere around 4-4:15ish. I had myself a tiny little nap and am now going to attempt to wrap my brain around Hierarchical Linear Modeling in my multivariate statistics class (which, by the way, is an abomination at 8:30 in the morning).
I'm hoping that this weird phase of alert I'm experiencing will last until 10, at which point I'll board the bus and stumble my way home and back into bed. I'm also hoping that I'll be able to sleep once I get there.
10 November 2008
Being optimistic.
I've been going through a bit of a funk lately, and lying about it to myself.
Leet's hearing was a crushing disappointment, and I was drowning in a sea of false optimism. I didn't know how to get out, how to make good of it all, how to find that proverbial silver lining.
Thank GOD for MamaBear, THANK GOD. She somehow sees what needs to be seen and offers support where I didn't know she was capable, before. She has become our rock in these stormy seas, a pillar of support when we feel each other crumbling.
We're lawyering up. We're going to send a clear message to Her: We're done screwing around and playing your games. You'd better figure out how to tell the truth, and quick. We've had enough, and this needs to be made right.
I pray that it's the right decision.
Leet's hearing was a crushing disappointment, and I was drowning in a sea of false optimism. I didn't know how to get out, how to make good of it all, how to find that proverbial silver lining.
Thank GOD for MamaBear, THANK GOD. She somehow sees what needs to be seen and offers support where I didn't know she was capable, before. She has become our rock in these stormy seas, a pillar of support when we feel each other crumbling.
We're lawyering up. We're going to send a clear message to Her: We're done screwing around and playing your games. You'd better figure out how to tell the truth, and quick. We've had enough, and this needs to be made right.
I pray that it's the right decision.
This is our moment.
I've spent the entire week trying to thing about how to concisely state my feelings about the historical election that took place.
I just keep coming up empty.
I wish the internet were a little more personal. How do you describe that tingling feeling at the end of your nose when you're about to cry tears of overwhelming joy? That's how I feel when I think about the election.
I've been a news junkie since noon on November 4th. I have eaten up every story that The New York Times has written, looked through all the pictures posted on the campaign's Flickr account. I cannot get enough.
I feel like I have hope. I remember learning about Martin Luther King, Jr., about Rosa Parks, about John F. Kennedy, about all those momentous figures in the 1960s and being so envious about being alive in a time that was so rich in progress and history. I never thought I would be so lucky as to witness something so amazing, but now...now I can sit in my rocking chair 40 years from now and tell my grandchildren about the night that America elected the first African-American president, the president who gave us all hope, the president who brought us real change.
It's a great time to be witnessing history.
I just keep coming up empty.
I wish the internet were a little more personal. How do you describe that tingling feeling at the end of your nose when you're about to cry tears of overwhelming joy? That's how I feel when I think about the election.
I've been a news junkie since noon on November 4th. I have eaten up every story that The New York Times has written, looked through all the pictures posted on the campaign's Flickr account. I cannot get enough.
I feel like I have hope. I remember learning about Martin Luther King, Jr., about Rosa Parks, about John F. Kennedy, about all those momentous figures in the 1960s and being so envious about being alive in a time that was so rich in progress and history. I never thought I would be so lucky as to witness something so amazing, but now...now I can sit in my rocking chair 40 years from now and tell my grandchildren about the night that America elected the first African-American president, the president who gave us all hope, the president who brought us real change.
It's a great time to be witnessing history.
03 November 2008
Update.
I can't even begin to talk about last week. It was completely and utterly the week from hell. Leet's hearing got continued YET AGAIN, and this time the jurisdiction is reserved by an utterly contemptuous, mother-favoring, uh, bitch. I got accused of CHEATING on an assignment by my stats prof. She (yes, Her) canceled Leet's visitation over the weekend because the kids were "sick" (deathly ill and maybe in need of a visit to the ER, but still able to go Trick-or-Treating, mind you). I fell even more behind on my thesis. Last week was just the epitome of suck.
I am determined to put it behind me and move forward. We're looking into hiring an attorney. I am attempting to not be bitter and pissy in my stats class, and am still participating. As for the kids...we're just looking forward to this weekend, where Leet WILL get to see the kids. I am GOING to get the intro section of my proposal done tonight.
My mom tells me I need to find some sort of inner peace, before everything eats me alive. I went to church last night, for the first time since Easter. I think it may have helped. I feel a little less lost, at any rate.
I went to the doctor on Friday, too. She got me started back on my thyroid meds, so hopefully I will start feeling a little less like the living dead, and more like I can spend more than 6 hours a day without taking a nap. Oh, and somehow I managed to lose 15 lbs since my last appointment. So that's positive.
I am determined to put it behind me and move forward. We're looking into hiring an attorney. I am attempting to not be bitter and pissy in my stats class, and am still participating. As for the kids...we're just looking forward to this weekend, where Leet WILL get to see the kids. I am GOING to get the intro section of my proposal done tonight.
My mom tells me I need to find some sort of inner peace, before everything eats me alive. I went to church last night, for the first time since Easter. I think it may have helped. I feel a little less lost, at any rate.
I went to the doctor on Friday, too. She got me started back on my thyroid meds, so hopefully I will start feeling a little less like the living dead, and more like I can spend more than 6 hours a day without taking a nap. Oh, and somehow I managed to lose 15 lbs since my last appointment. So that's positive.
25 October 2008
Remembering Saturdays.
Tomorrow is the first weekend in close to 2 months that Leet and I don't have to be somewhere or dedicate our time to something or someone else. I cannot express my excitement.
Saturdays used to be my all time favorite. We would stay in bed together until late morning...okay, fine, early afternoon, and then lounge around in our pajamas (or birthday suits, depending on recent, uh, activities) until almost 5PM, when we would finally shower and head out to Target, TJ Maxx, or Ross, or sometimes (and oftentimes) all three, where we'd look for fun things to decorate our apartment with, buy for gifts for people, or just pretend we could afford all the useless crap in the store. We'd then cap the day off with some fantastic plan for dinner (either something amazing I'd cook, or we'd cook together...or pizza) and a movie or two from Netflix. It was always completely lazy and comfortable, but all kinds of fun at the same time. I could waste every day of my life that way, and be perfectly content.
I've been missing these days a lot lately, and although I still have to work on my thesis, I'm hoping tomorrow will be at least somewhat reminiscent of the Saturdays before everything got crazy. I know things probably will never go back to the way they were before things finally started happening with the kids, and I don't know that I'd want to wish for that anyways, but I hope that we can always find some time, at least once and awhile, to waste the day away together like we did when it was just us.
Saturdays used to be my all time favorite. We would stay in bed together until late morning...okay, fine, early afternoon, and then lounge around in our pajamas (or birthday suits, depending on recent, uh, activities) until almost 5PM, when we would finally shower and head out to Target, TJ Maxx, or Ross, or sometimes (and oftentimes) all three, where we'd look for fun things to decorate our apartment with, buy for gifts for people, or just pretend we could afford all the useless crap in the store. We'd then cap the day off with some fantastic plan for dinner (either something amazing I'd cook, or we'd cook together...or pizza) and a movie or two from Netflix. It was always completely lazy and comfortable, but all kinds of fun at the same time. I could waste every day of my life that way, and be perfectly content.
I've been missing these days a lot lately, and although I still have to work on my thesis, I'm hoping tomorrow will be at least somewhat reminiscent of the Saturdays before everything got crazy. I know things probably will never go back to the way they were before things finally started happening with the kids, and I don't know that I'd want to wish for that anyways, but I hope that we can always find some time, at least once and awhile, to waste the day away together like we did when it was just us.
23 October 2008
Le tired.
I'm so fucking tired.
I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of waking up in the morning, to go to school and try to bide that sweet hour and a half only to come home and curl back up into bed and completely waste the afternoon away. I'm so tired of being too tired to get anything done.
I don't want to go to school today, but I don't really have a choice. I missed this class on Tuesday for the hearing that didn't happen and last Thursday because I felt the same as I do right now.
I can't tell if I'm just worn out or if my body is trying to tell me something. If it's truly trying to say something, it needs to speak up, because all I can hear is "Go back to sleeeep..."
On a related note, I am tired of my schedule making it such that I have to go to bed long before Leet, and because of THAT, that Leet stays up way later than he should playing his game. I'm not saying he's like a little kid and needs someone to tell him when to go to bed...but, he's like a little kid and needs someone to tell him when to go to bed.
I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of waking up in the morning, to go to school and try to bide that sweet hour and a half only to come home and curl back up into bed and completely waste the afternoon away. I'm so tired of being too tired to get anything done.
I don't want to go to school today, but I don't really have a choice. I missed this class on Tuesday for the hearing that didn't happen and last Thursday because I felt the same as I do right now.
I can't tell if I'm just worn out or if my body is trying to tell me something. If it's truly trying to say something, it needs to speak up, because all I can hear is "Go back to sleeeep..."
On a related note, I am tired of my schedule making it such that I have to go to bed long before Leet, and because of THAT, that Leet stays up way later than he should playing his game. I'm not saying he's like a little kid and needs someone to tell him when to go to bed...but, he's like a little kid and needs someone to tell him when to go to bed.
22 October 2008
Stalemate.
So...nothing happened yesterday. Meh.
Someone didn't turn her paperwork in on time, so the commissioner issued a continuance for next Monday, so she could read everything. I guess that's fair...I'm just tired of waiting, tired of drawing it out, tired of the drama. My guts can't handle it.
I had to see Her again, which...I don't know. She dyed her hair darker. First she gets her hair cut similar to mine, then she dyes it darker? I realize it's most likely coincidence, but with her, there's always that little hint of pathology, so it weirds me out a little. Makes me think of The Craft (I think that was the movie...maybe not), where the girl(possibly the psychotic ex) looks like the guy's girlfriend and gets him to sleep with her. Creepy.
Either way, really.
The upside of going into court only to be told to come back next week was that we found ourselves with a couple hours to spare, which added up to some much needed and much neglected attention to our sex-life. Between school and the kids and court, it just never happens anymore (and by never, I mean something to the tune of once a week). I miss him, when it's like that. The only time in my life when I feel completely whole--the only time I AM whole--is when we're together. Any other time I am only half, really, waiting to come together again. I know it is nauseating and cheesy, and probably more information than most people want, but he is my soulmate and every second of every day that I am not completely united with him, my soul aches.
Which is what makes everything else worth it.
Someone didn't turn her paperwork in on time, so the commissioner issued a continuance for next Monday, so she could read everything. I guess that's fair...I'm just tired of waiting, tired of drawing it out, tired of the drama. My guts can't handle it.
I had to see Her again, which...I don't know. She dyed her hair darker. First she gets her hair cut similar to mine, then she dyes it darker? I realize it's most likely coincidence, but with her, there's always that little hint of pathology, so it weirds me out a little. Makes me think of The Craft (I think that was the movie...maybe not), where the girl(possibly the psychotic ex) looks like the guy's girlfriend and gets him to sleep with her. Creepy.
Either way, really.
The upside of going into court only to be told to come back next week was that we found ourselves with a couple hours to spare, which added up to some much needed and much neglected attention to our sex-life. Between school and the kids and court, it just never happens anymore (and by never, I mean something to the tune of once a week). I miss him, when it's like that. The only time in my life when I feel completely whole--the only time I AM whole--is when we're together. Any other time I am only half, really, waiting to come together again. I know it is nauseating and cheesy, and probably more information than most people want, but he is my soulmate and every second of every day that I am not completely united with him, my soul aches.
Which is what makes everything else worth it.
16 October 2008
Transitions.
I can't believe so much time has past...Leet goes back to court on TUESDAY. That month went so fast
School started, and I have been completely blindsided by the sheer mass of work I have to do for my thesis. And I'm not handling it well either. I have become completely paralyzed and find myself so dumbfounded by all the work I have to do that I don't do any work at all. I straight up lied to my adviser today...I didn't know how to tell her that I'm two weeks behind on my proposal and can't seem to get myself to write anything down. I'm a little scared for myself, to be truthful.
The truth is, I am terrified of what could happen in 4 days. If things go the way they should, I am thisclose to becoming a stepmom. To being face to face with something that I can never ever leave. To becoming domestic on a level that I can't even imagine. To suddenly being partially a parent to two children. Not babies. Children.
I was picking up some things for them, in case they DO get to come stay with us soon, and I got hit with this wave of panic. I was buying such mundane things: children's Tylenol, shampoo, underwear. In the midst of it all, I realized, a year from now, this could be completely normal for me. I could become so completely immersed in the lives of these kids that I could make trips to Target for them, and not for myself. I am being dunked headfirst into this life that I have always been so thankful that I escaped. I wanted to be much older when I had kids this age. I don't even know that I could handle an infant right now. But that's not even an option anymore.
Sometimes I cry because I'm so excited for all the wonderful feelings that are possible, and sometimes I cry because I just don't know how to be an adult on that level. I just don't know if I'm capable.
Everyone keeps telling me I am and everyone keeps telling me how lucky those kids are, but I can't help but be scared for what I might be giving up. Is my relationship going to completely change. Am I going to completely change?
I'm not sure if I'm ready, but I know that I have to be, and so I will be.
School started, and I have been completely blindsided by the sheer mass of work I have to do for my thesis. And I'm not handling it well either. I have become completely paralyzed and find myself so dumbfounded by all the work I have to do that I don't do any work at all. I straight up lied to my adviser today...I didn't know how to tell her that I'm two weeks behind on my proposal and can't seem to get myself to write anything down. I'm a little scared for myself, to be truthful.
The truth is, I am terrified of what could happen in 4 days. If things go the way they should, I am thisclose to becoming a stepmom. To being face to face with something that I can never ever leave. To becoming domestic on a level that I can't even imagine. To suddenly being partially a parent to two children. Not babies. Children.
I was picking up some things for them, in case they DO get to come stay with us soon, and I got hit with this wave of panic. I was buying such mundane things: children's Tylenol, shampoo, underwear. In the midst of it all, I realized, a year from now, this could be completely normal for me. I could become so completely immersed in the lives of these kids that I could make trips to Target for them, and not for myself. I am being dunked headfirst into this life that I have always been so thankful that I escaped. I wanted to be much older when I had kids this age. I don't even know that I could handle an infant right now. But that's not even an option anymore.
Sometimes I cry because I'm so excited for all the wonderful feelings that are possible, and sometimes I cry because I just don't know how to be an adult on that level. I just don't know if I'm capable.
Everyone keeps telling me I am and everyone keeps telling me how lucky those kids are, but I can't help but be scared for what I might be giving up. Is my relationship going to completely change. Am I going to completely change?
I'm not sure if I'm ready, but I know that I have to be, and so I will be.
23 September 2008
The hearing.
Yesterday was so much of a day that I still can't process everything that happened.
Things went really well for Leet. He'll be seeing his kids this Saturday for the first time in 15 months.
It was so weird to see his ex, to be in the same room as her, to hear her voice. She didn't sound anything like I thought she would, didn't even look like she does in her Myspace pictures. She's shorter than I thought she'd be, somehow...softer. If I was behind her in line in a grocery store, I think I'd probably think she was a sweet person.
I don't even know what to do with that information.
It was funny though, to watch her try and look put together, to try and seem professional, and for it to be so completely transparent. No lawyer rolls around a briefcase on wheels, or leaves their contacts home in favor of glasses. It was so rewarding to watch her get called out on not following procedures and for asking for things that are completely out of line.
It was really hard to sit there and to not be able to do anything. I wanted to be able to talk for Leet...he missed a few opportunities to catch her in a lie and to really make his case, and it was all I could do to not stand up and shout to him what he needed to say. It's such an intimidating environment, I know he was nervous as hell. He won, but it wasn't the victory we had hoped. She still walked away with a small piece.
We go back in a month. We'll be better prepared and there will be no question about who is right this time.
Things went really well for Leet. He'll be seeing his kids this Saturday for the first time in 15 months.
It was so weird to see his ex, to be in the same room as her, to hear her voice. She didn't sound anything like I thought she would, didn't even look like she does in her Myspace pictures. She's shorter than I thought she'd be, somehow...softer. If I was behind her in line in a grocery store, I think I'd probably think she was a sweet person.
I don't even know what to do with that information.
It was funny though, to watch her try and look put together, to try and seem professional, and for it to be so completely transparent. No lawyer rolls around a briefcase on wheels, or leaves their contacts home in favor of glasses. It was so rewarding to watch her get called out on not following procedures and for asking for things that are completely out of line.
It was really hard to sit there and to not be able to do anything. I wanted to be able to talk for Leet...he missed a few opportunities to catch her in a lie and to really make his case, and it was all I could do to not stand up and shout to him what he needed to say. It's such an intimidating environment, I know he was nervous as hell. He won, but it wasn't the victory we had hoped. She still walked away with a small piece.
We go back in a month. We'll be better prepared and there will be no question about who is right this time.
21 September 2008
Fears.
Tomorrow is such an important day for Leet. And I'm so scared.
I want him to be able to see his kids again, but things have gone against him for so long. What if the court doesn't see all the hard work he's done? What if they are again blinded by her complete and utter bullshit?
Why does she feel the need to be so malicious to him? What is she gaining? What would she lose if she were suddenly able to reason like a normal person? Why does she tell such ugly lies?
What happens when she sees me? Can I be strong? I want to be strong, for him. I want to be able to joke with him and smile at him, so that she gets scared because we're so clearly not.
I just want those kids to have what they deserve. I don't care about the rest. I don't care about her being held accountable for her lies or for all the horrible things she's done...none of that matters if he doesn't get to see his kids.
Honestly, I feel like if things don't go well tomorrow, it negates all the good and everything I've been telling him. I keep saying that things happen for a reason and that all the bad stuff happened so that he was able to come to this better place of understanding, to be a better father and to get to be a part of his kids' lives in the right way. What does it mean if none of that comes to fruition?
I can't focus on that. I can only say Hail Marys until the moment that the commissioner issues his or her ruling. I can only send positive thoughts out into the universe. I can only hope. If I give up hoping, who is left?
I want him to be able to see his kids again, but things have gone against him for so long. What if the court doesn't see all the hard work he's done? What if they are again blinded by her complete and utter bullshit?
Why does she feel the need to be so malicious to him? What is she gaining? What would she lose if she were suddenly able to reason like a normal person? Why does she tell such ugly lies?
What happens when she sees me? Can I be strong? I want to be strong, for him. I want to be able to joke with him and smile at him, so that she gets scared because we're so clearly not.
I just want those kids to have what they deserve. I don't care about the rest. I don't care about her being held accountable for her lies or for all the horrible things she's done...none of that matters if he doesn't get to see his kids.
Honestly, I feel like if things don't go well tomorrow, it negates all the good and everything I've been telling him. I keep saying that things happen for a reason and that all the bad stuff happened so that he was able to come to this better place of understanding, to be a better father and to get to be a part of his kids' lives in the right way. What does it mean if none of that comes to fruition?
I can't focus on that. I can only say Hail Marys until the moment that the commissioner issues his or her ruling. I can only send positive thoughts out into the universe. I can only hope. If I give up hoping, who is left?
Upgrade.
It's almost two in the afternoon. Leet is still asleep, Badcat is somewhere where I can't see her (being bad no doubt), and so it is just me, in my brightly lit living room with just the hum of the laptop cooler to keep me company.
It's really nice.
I don't think I really appreciated how much of an impact a person's environment can have on their well-being until we moved 3 weeks ago. This place is, by far, the nicest place I have ever lived since fleeing the nest. And, especially when you compare it to the giant mold spore that we lived in before here, it's really something amazing.
The walls are all one color, sheetrock and texture, the windows are clean and new, the floors are covered with real carpet and linoleum, not remnants or paint. There is no crumbling plaster, with smears of weird paint or spackle, no mold on the decaying windowsills, no rust in the ancient tub-converted-to-shower...this is an honest to goodness real place for people to live.
I've become slightly anal about cleaning since we've moved in. Leet gets a major discount (something like cost + 10%) on all SC Johnson products through work, so I have every Scrubbing Bubble gadget you've ever lusted over on TV, some awesome Pledge products, plus a staggering amount of Method wipes, Greenworks, and other ecofriendly cleaners. My Swiffer has seen more action in the last 3 weeks than it saw the entire time we lived in the mold-hole.
So, I think I'm going to sit on my real couches in my real living room, or maybe have lunch at the table in my real dining room, while I do some laundry in my real washer and dryer (the kind that doesn't take quarters...for real) and run the dishwasher (and that doesn't mean handing Leet the scrubbrush). It's nice living like real people.
It's really nice.
I don't think I really appreciated how much of an impact a person's environment can have on their well-being until we moved 3 weeks ago. This place is, by far, the nicest place I have ever lived since fleeing the nest. And, especially when you compare it to the giant mold spore that we lived in before here, it's really something amazing.
The walls are all one color, sheetrock and texture, the windows are clean and new, the floors are covered with real carpet and linoleum, not remnants or paint. There is no crumbling plaster, with smears of weird paint or spackle, no mold on the decaying windowsills, no rust in the ancient tub-converted-to-shower...this is an honest to goodness real place for people to live.
I've become slightly anal about cleaning since we've moved in. Leet gets a major discount (something like cost + 10%) on all SC Johnson products through work, so I have every Scrubbing Bubble gadget you've ever lusted over on TV, some awesome Pledge products, plus a staggering amount of Method wipes, Greenworks, and other ecofriendly cleaners. My Swiffer has seen more action in the last 3 weeks than it saw the entire time we lived in the mold-hole.
So, I think I'm going to sit on my real couches in my real living room, or maybe have lunch at the table in my real dining room, while I do some laundry in my real washer and dryer (the kind that doesn't take quarters...for real) and run the dishwasher (and that doesn't mean handing Leet the scrubbrush). It's nice living like real people.
The title.
Two Row Boats was the title of the first poem I ever wrote for Leet (boy does it feel weird to use aliases). Before that poem, I hadn't been able to write for months, at the very least. I was weird and maybe depressed (or maybe coming out of a depression) and was transitioning through a hard phase of life, and it just felt like every word I tried to put on paper sounded like a bunch of pretentious whining.
And then I met Leet. To be completely honest and fair, when we met in person at my aunt and uncle's (it was the second time), we didn't really talk (I don't know that we spoke at all the first time, except for the moment when he tried to hand me the XBox controller, which I declined). I was drawn in by him somehow. And so I did the lamest thing I think a person could ever do, and went and found him on Myspace. I sent him this lameass message about being a good dad and having a lot of support, and figured he would see right through it and think I was a huge loser and would ignore the message and then make fun of me to my cousin and everyone would have a good laugh (except for me, who would be oblivious, but dying for a return message). Instead, I get this response that says he really wouldn't mind getting to know me...and I just couldn't believe it.
Somehow, we started messaging back and forth. I think it was about a week on Myspace, and then quickly changed to IM. It was the most exhilirating lame messaging I had ever experienced. We were both unemployed, so we would stay up until 5 or 6 AM just talking about nothing, but having a completely good time. And then one night, while waiting for that telling little beep of a response to something benign I had said, I got inspired. And thus, Two Row Boats was born.
And then I met Leet. To be completely honest and fair, when we met in person at my aunt and uncle's (it was the second time), we didn't really talk (I don't know that we spoke at all the first time, except for the moment when he tried to hand me the XBox controller, which I declined). I was drawn in by him somehow. And so I did the lamest thing I think a person could ever do, and went and found him on Myspace. I sent him this lameass message about being a good dad and having a lot of support, and figured he would see right through it and think I was a huge loser and would ignore the message and then make fun of me to my cousin and everyone would have a good laugh (except for me, who would be oblivious, but dying for a return message). Instead, I get this response that says he really wouldn't mind getting to know me...and I just couldn't believe it.
Somehow, we started messaging back and forth. I think it was about a week on Myspace, and then quickly changed to IM. It was the most exhilirating lame messaging I had ever experienced. We were both unemployed, so we would stay up until 5 or 6 AM just talking about nothing, but having a completely good time. And then one night, while waiting for that telling little beep of a response to something benign I had said, I got inspired. And thus, Two Row Boats was born.
two row boats.
this comfortable sea
between exchanges
carries just the right amount
of unspoken whispers
from my boat to yours.i'd float an innocent kiss
inside a bottle,
did I think it would help.the milky blue-green
swells like bathwater
in the pregnant pause,
and my ears prick
at the sound of the waves at the hull.bow to stern
languidly gliding
there is a purpose under the stars,
and a yearning in the oars.
New beginnings.
Wow...is it ever intimidating to start a new blog from the ground up: new name, new look, new host. I want to say it's refreshing, but I do miss the familiarity of the old digs.
[Or, in related news: Hi...this is my blog.]
When I decided to scrap my old blog in favor of a new one, I wasn't sure where to go, what to do, or what to call myself even. I thought maybe it would just be more of the same, except with a different, more discrete name. Instead, I'm not sharing the new location with anyone I know in real life (except for my love, 1337h4x0r--Leet, for short--because, you know, love and all...he picked the name, don't ask) so that, I dunno, I can really write about things, and not skirt around them. I think this will work, provided I don't become famous, excepting on a very small and altogether enjoyable scale, of course.
I'm hoping that I can take this new blog in the direction I've wanted to go for so very long: talking about love and sex on a candid level, bemoaning life in the academic world, crafting snippety little portraits of my unbelievably surreal friends and family, and all the snark I can stomach, I hope Two Row Boats (TRB) becomes what my other blog was not.
And that's the last you'll hear about blogging before TRB.
Onto the good stuff...
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