Remembering Saturdays.

Tomorrow is the first weekend in close to 2 months that Leet and I don't have to be somewhere or dedicate our time to something or someone else. I cannot express my excitement.

Saturdays used to be my all time favorite. We would stay in bed together until late morning...okay, fine, early afternoon, and then lounge around in our pajamas (or birthday suits, depending on recent, uh, activities) until almost 5PM, when we would finally shower and head out to Target, TJ Maxx, or Ross, or sometimes (and oftentimes) all three, where we'd look for fun things to decorate our apartment with, buy for gifts for people, or just pretend we could afford all the useless crap in the store. We'd then cap the day off with some fantastic plan for dinner (either something amazing I'd cook, or we'd cook together...or pizza) and a movie or two from Netflix. It was always completely lazy and comfortable, but all kinds of fun at the same time. I could waste every day of my life that way, and be perfectly content.

I've been missing these days a lot lately, and although I still have to work on my thesis, I'm hoping tomorrow will be at least somewhat reminiscent of the Saturdays before everything got crazy. I know things probably will never go back to the way they were before things finally started happening with the kids, and I don't know that I'd want to wish for that anyways, but I hope that we can always find some time, at least once and awhile, to waste the day away together like we did when it was just us.

Le tired.

I'm so fucking tired.

I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of waking up in the morning, to go to school and try to bide that sweet hour and a half only to come home and curl back up into bed and completely waste the afternoon away. I'm so tired of being too tired to get anything done.

I don't want to go to school today, but I don't really have a choice. I missed this class on Tuesday for the hearing that didn't happen and last Thursday because I felt the same as I do right now.

I can't tell if I'm just worn out or if my body is trying to tell me something. If it's truly trying to say something, it needs to speak up, because all I can hear is "Go back to sleeeep..."

On a related note, I am tired of my schedule making it such that I have to go to bed long before Leet, and because of THAT, that Leet stays up way later than he should playing his game. I'm not saying he's like a little kid and needs someone to tell him when to go to bed...but, he's like a little kid and needs someone to tell him when to go to bed.

Stalemate.

So...nothing happened yesterday. Meh.

Someone didn't turn her paperwork in on time, so the commissioner issued a continuance for next Monday, so she could read everything. I guess that's fair...I'm just tired of waiting, tired of drawing it out, tired of the drama. My guts can't handle it.

I had to see Her again, which...I don't know. She dyed her hair darker. First she gets her hair cut similar to mine, then she dyes it darker? I realize it's most likely coincidence, but with her, there's always that little hint of pathology, so it weirds me out a little. Makes me think of The Craft (I think that was the movie...maybe not), where the girl(possibly the psychotic ex) looks like the guy's girlfriend and gets him to sleep with her. Creepy.

Either way, really.

The upside of going into court only to be told to come back next week was that we found ourselves with a couple hours to spare, which added up to some much needed and much neglected attention to our sex-life. Between school and the kids and court, it just never happens anymore (and by never, I mean something to the tune of once a week). I miss him, when it's like that. The only time in my life when I feel completely whole--the only time I AM whole--is when we're together. Any other time I am only half, really, waiting to come together again. I know it is nauseating and cheesy, and probably more information than most people want, but he is my soulmate and every second of every day that I am not completely united with him, my soul aches.

Which is what makes everything else worth it.

Transitions.

I can't believe so much time has past...Leet goes back to court on TUESDAY. That month went so fast

School started, and I have been completely blindsided by the sheer mass of work I have to do for my thesis. And I'm not handling it well either. I have become completely paralyzed and find myself so dumbfounded by all the work I have to do that I don't do any work at all. I straight up lied to my adviser today...I didn't know how to tell her that I'm two weeks behind on my proposal and can't seem to get myself to write anything down. I'm a little scared for myself, to be truthful.

The truth is, I am terrified of what could happen in 4 days. If things go the way they should, I am thisclose to becoming a stepmom. To being face to face with something that I can never ever leave. To becoming domestic on a level that I can't even imagine. To suddenly being partially a parent to two children. Not babies. Children.

I was picking up some things for them, in case they DO get to come stay with us soon, and I got hit with this wave of panic. I was buying such mundane things: children's Tylenol, shampoo, underwear. In the midst of it all, I realized, a year from now, this could be completely normal for me. I could become so completely immersed in the lives of these kids that I could make trips to Target for them, and not for myself. I am being dunked headfirst into this life that I have always been so thankful that I escaped. I wanted to be much older when I had kids this age. I don't even know that I could handle an infant right now. But that's not even an option anymore.

Sometimes I cry because I'm so excited for all the wonderful feelings that are possible, and sometimes I cry because I just don't know how to be an adult on that level. I just don't know if I'm capable.

Everyone keeps telling me I am and everyone keeps telling me how lucky those kids are, but I can't help but be scared for what I might be giving up. Is my relationship going to completely change. Am I going to completely change?

I'm not sure if I'm ready, but I know that I have to be, and so I will be.