Holiday preparations.

There has been a pretty awesome and significant change of tone in our house lately. I don't know what exactly was the catalyst, but suddenly we're both out of the doldrums and we're happy and upbeat and back to our old selves. It's SO NICE.

We're both so looking forward to the holidays and hoping that things go well at the hearing on the 5th so that Leet doesn't have to do Christmas with the kids in a supervised setting. That's my wish, that's all I want for Christmas. I want Leet to have unsupervised visitation like he so very deserves. I want his kids to start getting used to coming to his home, to seeing him for more than a couple hours, I want them to have a safe place away from the crazy demands their mom places on them, a fun place where they get to play like kids should be allowed to play, where the get to use their toys and not be restricted from them just because the winds of her neuroses moved that way that day. I want them to get to be KIDS with their DAD.

We inventoried Christmas presents last night. We've been stock-piling for months. I am beyond excited for the Christmas we're able to provide for the kids. I was nervous that we wouldn't be able to give them a good Christmas, but OH the Christmas they're going to have. They're getting digital cameras, giant floor coloring books, games, movies, sticker books, walkie talkies, fancy pj's, play-doh...they're just getting some fun stuff. I have these giant dreams of a Christmas with them, of sitting around a tree and going present by present and helping them take pictures with their new cameras. I don't know if it's a Christmas that will happen yet, but it's one I'm hoping for, one I'm praying for, one I'm holding onto.

I like this feeling of Christmas being for them...I had no idea of the happiness it would bring me to think of giving them these things that will make them happy. It's a different happiness than planning something good for my mom or dad. We're the ones making the memories of Christmas that they'll look back on one day. That's something that I can seriously live with, something that makes all the other crap not even really matter that much.

Transitions.

I can't believe so much time has past...Leet goes back to court on TUESDAY. That month went so fast

School started, and I have been completely blindsided by the sheer mass of work I have to do for my thesis. And I'm not handling it well either. I have become completely paralyzed and find myself so dumbfounded by all the work I have to do that I don't do any work at all. I straight up lied to my adviser today...I didn't know how to tell her that I'm two weeks behind on my proposal and can't seem to get myself to write anything down. I'm a little scared for myself, to be truthful.

The truth is, I am terrified of what could happen in 4 days. If things go the way they should, I am thisclose to becoming a stepmom. To being face to face with something that I can never ever leave. To becoming domestic on a level that I can't even imagine. To suddenly being partially a parent to two children. Not babies. Children.

I was picking up some things for them, in case they DO get to come stay with us soon, and I got hit with this wave of panic. I was buying such mundane things: children's Tylenol, shampoo, underwear. In the midst of it all, I realized, a year from now, this could be completely normal for me. I could become so completely immersed in the lives of these kids that I could make trips to Target for them, and not for myself. I am being dunked headfirst into this life that I have always been so thankful that I escaped. I wanted to be much older when I had kids this age. I don't even know that I could handle an infant right now. But that's not even an option anymore.

Sometimes I cry because I'm so excited for all the wonderful feelings that are possible, and sometimes I cry because I just don't know how to be an adult on that level. I just don't know if I'm capable.

Everyone keeps telling me I am and everyone keeps telling me how lucky those kids are, but I can't help but be scared for what I might be giving up. Is my relationship going to completely change. Am I going to completely change?

I'm not sure if I'm ready, but I know that I have to be, and so I will be.

The hearing.

Yesterday was so much of a day that I still can't process everything that happened.

Things went really well for Leet. He'll be seeing his kids this Saturday for the first time in 15 months.

It was so weird to see his ex, to be in the same room as her, to hear her voice. She didn't sound anything like I thought she would, didn't even look like she does in her Myspace pictures. She's shorter than I thought she'd be, somehow...softer. If I was behind her in line in a grocery store, I think I'd probably think she was a sweet person.

I don't even know what to do with that information.

It was funny though, to watch her try and look put together, to try and seem professional, and for it to be so completely transparent. No lawyer rolls around a briefcase on wheels, or leaves their contacts home in favor of glasses. It was so rewarding to watch her get called out on not following procedures and for asking for things that are completely out of line.

It was really hard to sit there and to not be able to do anything. I wanted to be able to talk for Leet...he missed a few opportunities to catch her in a lie and to really make his case, and it was all I could do to not stand up and shout to him what he needed to say. It's such an intimidating environment, I know he was nervous as hell. He won, but it wasn't the victory we had hoped. She still walked away with a small piece.

We go back in a month. We'll be better prepared and there will be no question about who is right this time.

Fears.

Tomorrow is such an important day for Leet. And I'm so scared.

I want him to be able to see his kids again, but things have gone against him for so long. What if the court doesn't see all the hard work he's done? What if they are again blinded by her complete and utter bullshit?

Why does she feel the need to be so malicious to him? What is she gaining? What would she lose if she were suddenly able to reason like a normal person? Why does she tell such ugly lies?

What happens when she sees me? Can I be strong? I want to be strong, for him. I want to be able to joke with him and smile at him, so that she gets scared because we're so clearly not.

I just want those kids to have what they deserve. I don't care about the rest. I don't care about her being held accountable for her lies or for all the horrible things she's done...none of that matters if he doesn't get to see his kids.

Honestly, I feel like if things don't go well tomorrow, it negates all the good and everything I've been telling him. I keep saying that things happen for a reason and that all the bad stuff happened so that he was able to come to this better place of understanding, to be a better father and to get to be a part of his kids' lives in the right way. What does it mean if none of that comes to fruition?

I can't focus on that. I can only say Hail Marys until the moment that the commissioner issues his or her ruling. I can only send positive thoughts out into the universe. I can only hope. If I give up hoping, who is left?