Holiday preparations.

There has been a pretty awesome and significant change of tone in our house lately. I don't know what exactly was the catalyst, but suddenly we're both out of the doldrums and we're happy and upbeat and back to our old selves. It's SO NICE.

We're both so looking forward to the holidays and hoping that things go well at the hearing on the 5th so that Leet doesn't have to do Christmas with the kids in a supervised setting. That's my wish, that's all I want for Christmas. I want Leet to have unsupervised visitation like he so very deserves. I want his kids to start getting used to coming to his home, to seeing him for more than a couple hours, I want them to have a safe place away from the crazy demands their mom places on them, a fun place where they get to play like kids should be allowed to play, where the get to use their toys and not be restricted from them just because the winds of her neuroses moved that way that day. I want them to get to be KIDS with their DAD.

We inventoried Christmas presents last night. We've been stock-piling for months. I am beyond excited for the Christmas we're able to provide for the kids. I was nervous that we wouldn't be able to give them a good Christmas, but OH the Christmas they're going to have. They're getting digital cameras, giant floor coloring books, games, movies, sticker books, walkie talkies, fancy pj's, play-doh...they're just getting some fun stuff. I have these giant dreams of a Christmas with them, of sitting around a tree and going present by present and helping them take pictures with their new cameras. I don't know if it's a Christmas that will happen yet, but it's one I'm hoping for, one I'm praying for, one I'm holding onto.

I like this feeling of Christmas being for them...I had no idea of the happiness it would bring me to think of giving them these things that will make them happy. It's a different happiness than planning something good for my mom or dad. We're the ones making the memories of Christmas that they'll look back on one day. That's something that I can seriously live with, something that makes all the other crap not even really matter that much.

Crap.

I totally screwed up my sleep schedule.

I haven't been to school in a week. I got some weird not-quite-a-flu-but-almost last week and I stayed in bed for most of Tues and Wed, and then I had my standard Fri-Sat-Sun, weekend, and then Monday off as a bonus holiday from my professor, plus yesterday's holiday. That was one big gift of a holiday weekend, and I slept for as much as possible.

I am now paying the price. It's 7:15am, I've been up since 6:40. What time did I go to sleep last night? Somewhere around 4-4:15ish. I had myself a tiny little nap and am now going to attempt to wrap my brain around Hierarchical Linear Modeling in my multivariate statistics class (which, by the way, is an abomination at 8:30 in the morning).

I'm hoping that this weird phase of alert I'm experiencing will last until 10, at which point I'll board the bus and stumble my way home and back into bed. I'm also hoping that I'll be able to sleep once I get there.

Being optimistic.

I've been going through a bit of a funk lately, and lying about it to myself.

Leet's hearing was a crushing disappointment, and I was drowning in a sea of false optimism. I didn't know how to get out, how to make good of it all, how to find that proverbial silver lining.

Thank GOD for MamaBear, THANK GOD. She somehow sees what needs to be seen and offers support where I didn't know she was capable, before. She has become our rock in these stormy seas, a pillar of support when we feel each other crumbling.

We're lawyering up. We're going to send a clear message to Her: We're done screwing around and playing your games. You'd better figure out how to tell the truth, and quick. We've had enough, and this needs to be made right.

I pray that it's the right decision.

This is our moment.

I've spent the entire week trying to thing about how to concisely state my feelings about the historical election that took place.

I just keep coming up empty.

I wish the internet were a little more personal. How do you describe that tingling feeling at the end of your nose when you're about to cry tears of overwhelming joy? That's how I feel when I think about the election.

I've been a news junkie since noon on November 4th. I have eaten up every story that The New York Times has written, looked through all the pictures posted on the campaign's Flickr account. I cannot get enough.

I feel like I have hope. I remember learning about Martin Luther King, Jr., about Rosa Parks, about John F. Kennedy, about all those momentous figures in the 1960s and being so envious about being alive in a time that was so rich in progress and history. I never thought I would be so lucky as to witness something so amazing, but now...now I can sit in my rocking chair 40 years from now and tell my grandchildren about the night that America elected the first African-American president, the president who gave us all hope, the president who brought us real change.

It's a great time to be witnessing history.

Update.

I can't even begin to talk about last week. It was completely and utterly the week from hell. Leet's hearing got continued YET AGAIN, and this time the jurisdiction is reserved by an utterly contemptuous, mother-favoring, uh, bitch. I got accused of CHEATING on an assignment by my stats prof. She (yes, Her) canceled Leet's visitation over the weekend because the kids were "sick" (deathly ill and maybe in need of a visit to the ER, but still able to go Trick-or-Treating, mind you). I fell even more behind on my thesis. Last week was just the epitome of suck.

I am determined to put it behind me and move forward. We're looking into hiring an attorney. I am attempting to not be bitter and pissy in my stats class, and am still participating. As for the kids...we're just looking forward to this weekend, where Leet WILL get to see the kids. I am GOING to get the intro section of my proposal done tonight.

My mom tells me I need to find some sort of inner peace, before everything eats me alive. I went to church last night, for the first time since Easter. I think it may have helped. I feel a little less lost, at any rate.

I went to the doctor on Friday, too. She got me started back on my thyroid meds, so hopefully I will start feeling a little less like the living dead, and more like I can spend more than 6 hours a day without taking a nap. Oh, and somehow I managed to lose 15 lbs since my last appointment. So that's positive.

Remembering Saturdays.

Tomorrow is the first weekend in close to 2 months that Leet and I don't have to be somewhere or dedicate our time to something or someone else. I cannot express my excitement.

Saturdays used to be my all time favorite. We would stay in bed together until late morning...okay, fine, early afternoon, and then lounge around in our pajamas (or birthday suits, depending on recent, uh, activities) until almost 5PM, when we would finally shower and head out to Target, TJ Maxx, or Ross, or sometimes (and oftentimes) all three, where we'd look for fun things to decorate our apartment with, buy for gifts for people, or just pretend we could afford all the useless crap in the store. We'd then cap the day off with some fantastic plan for dinner (either something amazing I'd cook, or we'd cook together...or pizza) and a movie or two from Netflix. It was always completely lazy and comfortable, but all kinds of fun at the same time. I could waste every day of my life that way, and be perfectly content.

I've been missing these days a lot lately, and although I still have to work on my thesis, I'm hoping tomorrow will be at least somewhat reminiscent of the Saturdays before everything got crazy. I know things probably will never go back to the way they were before things finally started happening with the kids, and I don't know that I'd want to wish for that anyways, but I hope that we can always find some time, at least once and awhile, to waste the day away together like we did when it was just us.

Le tired.

I'm so fucking tired.

I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of waking up in the morning, to go to school and try to bide that sweet hour and a half only to come home and curl back up into bed and completely waste the afternoon away. I'm so tired of being too tired to get anything done.

I don't want to go to school today, but I don't really have a choice. I missed this class on Tuesday for the hearing that didn't happen and last Thursday because I felt the same as I do right now.

I can't tell if I'm just worn out or if my body is trying to tell me something. If it's truly trying to say something, it needs to speak up, because all I can hear is "Go back to sleeeep..."

On a related note, I am tired of my schedule making it such that I have to go to bed long before Leet, and because of THAT, that Leet stays up way later than he should playing his game. I'm not saying he's like a little kid and needs someone to tell him when to go to bed...but, he's like a little kid and needs someone to tell him when to go to bed.