I can't believe so much time has past...Leet goes back to court on TUESDAY. That month went so fast
School started, and I have been completely blindsided by the sheer mass of work I have to do for my thesis. And I'm not handling it well either. I have become completely paralyzed and find myself so dumbfounded by all the work I have to do that I don't do any work at all. I straight up lied to my adviser today...I didn't know how to tell her that I'm two weeks behind on my proposal and can't seem to get myself to write anything down. I'm a little scared for myself, to be truthful.
The truth is, I am terrified of what could happen in 4 days. If things go the way they should, I am thisclose to becoming a stepmom. To being face to face with something that I can never ever leave. To becoming domestic on a level that I can't even imagine. To suddenly being partially a parent to two children. Not babies. Children.
I was picking up some things for them, in case they DO get to come stay with us soon, and I got hit with this wave of panic. I was buying such mundane things: children's Tylenol, shampoo, underwear. In the midst of it all, I realized, a year from now, this could be completely normal for me. I could become so completely immersed in the lives of these kids that I could make trips to Target for them, and not for myself. I am being dunked headfirst into this life that I have always been so thankful that I escaped. I wanted to be much older when I had kids this age. I don't even know that I could handle an infant right now. But that's not even an option anymore.
Sometimes I cry because I'm so excited for all the wonderful feelings that are possible, and sometimes I cry because I just don't know how to be an adult on that level. I just don't know if I'm capable.
Everyone keeps telling me I am and everyone keeps telling me how lucky those kids are, but I can't help but be scared for what I might be giving up. Is my relationship going to completely change. Am I going to completely change?
I'm not sure if I'm ready, but I know that I have to be, and so I will be.
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1 comment:
I know exactly how you feel. Being a stepmom isn't easy, and I won't lie to you- it's a challenge even when all the parents and stepparents get along. I cannot imagine how tough it's going to be with their mother watching you every second for screwups, and from the sounds of it, making up screwups if she doesn't find any real ones.
I also know how you feel about wanting to be older before having children that age in your life- sometimes I think that if I were ready for a three year old, I'd have one of my own; and it's true. But it's rewarding. There's something liberating about going into a store and buying things for the kids and not even thinking about yourself once.
I'm here if you ever want to talk.
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