Being optimistic.

I've been going through a bit of a funk lately, and lying about it to myself.

Leet's hearing was a crushing disappointment, and I was drowning in a sea of false optimism. I didn't know how to get out, how to make good of it all, how to find that proverbial silver lining.

Thank GOD for MamaBear, THANK GOD. She somehow sees what needs to be seen and offers support where I didn't know she was capable, before. She has become our rock in these stormy seas, a pillar of support when we feel each other crumbling.

We're lawyering up. We're going to send a clear message to Her: We're done screwing around and playing your games. You'd better figure out how to tell the truth, and quick. We've had enough, and this needs to be made right.

I pray that it's the right decision.

Update.

I can't even begin to talk about last week. It was completely and utterly the week from hell. Leet's hearing got continued YET AGAIN, and this time the jurisdiction is reserved by an utterly contemptuous, mother-favoring, uh, bitch. I got accused of CHEATING on an assignment by my stats prof. She (yes, Her) canceled Leet's visitation over the weekend because the kids were "sick" (deathly ill and maybe in need of a visit to the ER, but still able to go Trick-or-Treating, mind you). I fell even more behind on my thesis. Last week was just the epitome of suck.

I am determined to put it behind me and move forward. We're looking into hiring an attorney. I am attempting to not be bitter and pissy in my stats class, and am still participating. As for the kids...we're just looking forward to this weekend, where Leet WILL get to see the kids. I am GOING to get the intro section of my proposal done tonight.

My mom tells me I need to find some sort of inner peace, before everything eats me alive. I went to church last night, for the first time since Easter. I think it may have helped. I feel a little less lost, at any rate.

I went to the doctor on Friday, too. She got me started back on my thyroid meds, so hopefully I will start feeling a little less like the living dead, and more like I can spend more than 6 hours a day without taking a nap. Oh, and somehow I managed to lose 15 lbs since my last appointment. So that's positive.

Stalemate.

So...nothing happened yesterday. Meh.

Someone didn't turn her paperwork in on time, so the commissioner issued a continuance for next Monday, so she could read everything. I guess that's fair...I'm just tired of waiting, tired of drawing it out, tired of the drama. My guts can't handle it.

I had to see Her again, which...I don't know. She dyed her hair darker. First she gets her hair cut similar to mine, then she dyes it darker? I realize it's most likely coincidence, but with her, there's always that little hint of pathology, so it weirds me out a little. Makes me think of The Craft (I think that was the movie...maybe not), where the girl(possibly the psychotic ex) looks like the guy's girlfriend and gets him to sleep with her. Creepy.

Either way, really.

The upside of going into court only to be told to come back next week was that we found ourselves with a couple hours to spare, which added up to some much needed and much neglected attention to our sex-life. Between school and the kids and court, it just never happens anymore (and by never, I mean something to the tune of once a week). I miss him, when it's like that. The only time in my life when I feel completely whole--the only time I AM whole--is when we're together. Any other time I am only half, really, waiting to come together again. I know it is nauseating and cheesy, and probably more information than most people want, but he is my soulmate and every second of every day that I am not completely united with him, my soul aches.

Which is what makes everything else worth it.

The hearing.

Yesterday was so much of a day that I still can't process everything that happened.

Things went really well for Leet. He'll be seeing his kids this Saturday for the first time in 15 months.

It was so weird to see his ex, to be in the same room as her, to hear her voice. She didn't sound anything like I thought she would, didn't even look like she does in her Myspace pictures. She's shorter than I thought she'd be, somehow...softer. If I was behind her in line in a grocery store, I think I'd probably think she was a sweet person.

I don't even know what to do with that information.

It was funny though, to watch her try and look put together, to try and seem professional, and for it to be so completely transparent. No lawyer rolls around a briefcase on wheels, or leaves their contacts home in favor of glasses. It was so rewarding to watch her get called out on not following procedures and for asking for things that are completely out of line.

It was really hard to sit there and to not be able to do anything. I wanted to be able to talk for Leet...he missed a few opportunities to catch her in a lie and to really make his case, and it was all I could do to not stand up and shout to him what he needed to say. It's such an intimidating environment, I know he was nervous as hell. He won, but it wasn't the victory we had hoped. She still walked away with a small piece.

We go back in a month. We'll be better prepared and there will be no question about who is right this time.